


Second Chances

by falserealities16



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, swanqueen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 05:46:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9109234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falserealities16/pseuds/falserealities16
Summary: "It might be weak. She might be a selfish coward, but right now, that's the best she could do." Regina is unhappy in her marriage to Robin and contemplates leaving without telling him. After months of dealing with her conflicting heart, she gets in a taxi and begins her adventure to Portland, Maine where she starts her second chance, and meets Emma Swan.





	1. One Vow Too Late

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I owe nothing. All credit goes to ONCE UPON A TIME and ABC
> 
> Hey guys, if you wanted to know why I've been delaying on Flashbacks blame this little number. This story has been crowding my mind for about two weeks now and I had to get it down so I could let my brain breathe. I don't know if I should take this further or if it should just be one dark one shot. I know it's starting out as outlawqueen, but if you seriously read it, it's clear he's not her happy ending! SWANQUEEN is endgame! It's dark, I'm not going to lie, but I believe with the direction I want to go with it, it could get happier. I feel like I could make this a beautiful story, but I want all of your opinions first and then I'll decide about it this weekend. It's my 21st birthday coming up and I'm so excited! Also, if you guys like this story and would like for me to continue, please be advised that could possibly mean flashbacks won't get completed as quickly, and that's okay because two stories will keep both of us busy huh?
> 
> Also, I should put this out here, I have epilepsy, so that was the inspiration for this. I am not bullying or make fun of it, i just don't see enough books/fics/works that talk about how seriously this is, so i thought I'd do my part and contribute. If you have any questions or comments about this don't hesitate.
> 
> Anyway, please review or PM if you're shy and let me know what you think about this PLEASE. Your reviews help encourage me to keep going and be the writer I know I can be, thank you all for that.
> 
> -FR

 

**Chapter 1: One Vow Too Late**

It was a beautiful happy day. Ribbons of different colors were all over the place. Flowers standing in vases on different tables. Bridesmaids were in different colors from plum to blush pink. Groomsmen were in the same attire, but more formal. The bouquets were made of real roses, the same colors as the dresses. Her bridal gown was a strapless A-line dress that would barely fit over her big boobs and was a pain in the ass to get on, but it was beautiful. It was a rustic barn wedding and all the country charm was in it, if she was happy about anything, it was that this day, no matter what took places, or didn't for that matter, her roots were in it.

Regina was from a small town in Tennessee. She was raised with horses and cows and lots of mountains. She had the country accent, that she loved, and the honest blunt attitude of every southern belle. Her cooking skills were on point too, she was most proud of her vast array of casserole dishes and perfect sweet tea. She couldn't figure out how northerners lived with that beverage, but she knew she couldn't. It was a quite and peaceful life, not as dull as it sounded on paper. Actually every day was an adventure.

There wasn't much to do in the town, it was literally a one horse town. Every where you looked, it was hay, cows, farms, and beer. Country music blared through every car or trunk window. It was literally like a scene from Sweet Home Alabama. Everyone knew everyone, and if you didn't, odds are you were related to them. She had loved her town. It was beautiful. Never really thirsted for the land of something different, she had thought she made her place in the world.

"And do you, Regina, take Robin to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

She looked up at her fiancé, he had tears in his eyes he was so happy, but she couldn't hold his gaze. She couldn't stare at his eyes, she had to look away. The ground, the sky, the minister, anything would do, but she couldn't look at him.

"I do." She said, praying for something to interrupt this life. Begging for something to come up and they'd have to cancel this whole thing. She cared for him deeply, loving was another story. She waited for objections or protests, she wasn't that lucky. They exchanged bands and the minister told him to kiss the bride and he did, and she pretended to like it.

After that, she couldn't think of another time that they spent together at their wedding. They danced, and they sat together while they ate, took more pictures obviously. But for the most part, she tried to stay away. She greeted people she had seen yesterday and people she hadn't seen in years. It was a beautiful celebration. She loved everyone who came and wished them all nothing but happiness. They were ravished in gifts and money. They were surrounded by friends and family, all who loved them and watched this love of theirs blossom into something they thought was so beautiful. It's a shame they were wrong.

Robin did love her, more than anything. He always protected her and stood by her. She had epilepsy, so she couldn't drive and most of her adventures were limited. She had two types of seizures: one being grand mal (the passing out and twitching on the ground) and then absence seizures (brief starring spells that stop her for about 2 seconds and then she's fine) she didn't let either one hold her back though. Robin was as kind as he could be. He would call and check on her. When all of the seizures would cause her to lose some of the memories she had, he would hold her hand and walk her through them. He would tell stories that he remembered they had done, whether they were true or not she had no way of knowing. He stood up for her, and always did his best to show that he cared about her.

She really did get the jack pot when she got him. He was soft tempered, gentle, forgiving, and understanding. He was the most compassionate man she had ever met, with such a sensitive heart. She could defend him until she was blue in the face, just like everyone else would if she didn't go through with this. She could sit here and point out all the facts of how amazing he is and she would never find anyone like him. Her sister once told her, there aren't many guys like him around in the world anymore, and she had been right. She knew how lucky she got with him, that wasn't going to change. He had been the man of her dreams. If fact, there was nothing he could do that would make him more perfect.

The problem now was, they had gone through with this marriage. There was no turning back and this was officially her life now. She started freaking out before the ceremony, wishing that it was on a different day or some freak accident happened to make them postpone, in which she would in all reality call it off. She wished she didn't rush things, she wished she could still escape, she wished for so many things. Unfortunately, life gave her exactly what she thought she wanted. No interruptions, just a happy life, if she wanted it.

She had a hard time with epilepsy, so life decided to give her a break. She could have the fairytale wedding. She could marry her high school sweetheart and have no complications once so ever. She'd never have to worry about him cheating, leaving, or abuse. She was in good hands and in good care. There's no way she could ever do better than him.

She was already over the self deprecating speeches and endless regretful thinking. She was listening to people's speeches, wondering if this day was ever going to end. She wasn't positive, but she was pretty sure this is not how one was supposed to feel on her wedding day. She was supposed to not be able to eat the week of, she was supposed to want everything to be perfect, and to be so nauseous she couldn't think straight.

Her friend Cruella showed up with a date, to her surprise it was a girl. It was a girl Regina knew. Cruella and Ursula had been a thing for a while now, but none of them wanted to admit it. Regina walked right up to them and asked if they were a thing, when they answered her with shared glances of shock, Regina simply said, "Don't worry loves, I don't judge." This was something rare in those parts. It was southern Baptist country hick town, which she had learned the rules of quite quickly. No tattoos, homosexuality was forbidden, and drinking was only acceptable during holidays/special occasions, or concerts of major country singers, other than that it were just tacky. You always held the door open for people, gave up your seat for the elderly, and always always always said please and thank you.

As she congratulated the two girls, for actually being themselves and not giving a damn about the judgmental things to come their way, she couldn't help but wonder how Cruella came to that place. She always thought Cruella was a goody goody, and was most definitely straight. She couldn't help but think of the relationship they could've had, if either one of them had known. She never considered being with another woman before, but now that she was married and in shackles, she considered it more. She always had admired women for their beauty and strength. She always had celebrity crushes on women, never men, they were all the same to her. She found that women were so complex and unique, she always wanted to learn more about them. Of course, none of these valid realizations would pop up until it was one vow too late.


	2. "I Didn't Want To Try On My Wedding Dress Every Night"

**Chapter 2: "I didn't want to try on my wedding dress every night"**

She didn't love him. No, not even close. She knew that the day she married him. Her life being what it was, she never thought they'd actually make it to the wedding day. She figured something tragic would happen and she'd get free. She didn't loathe him. She actually cared deeply for him; the way you would for a brother or close friend. Not a husband, no she couldn't love him like that. She tried, she pushed herself daily to love him and be the typical man and wife. She didn't even know why she got married at 20. She thought marriage was going to be this fun and exciting adventure, when all it was an endless routine of "sameness." He worked, she worked, and she didn't know exactly what flipped the switch in her, but three months into the marriage, she knew she wanted out.

It was nothing he had done, he had given her the world. Anything she asked for he tried to provide or helped her achieve. He supported her, loved her, cared for her and everyone in her life. He didn't deserve to be treated like this and she knew that. She knew she was going to go to hell for leaving. That she would have to move far away to get away from anyone that knew them both. She couldn't take the judging glares, whispering gossip, or condescending voices. Maybe she was a coward that way, after all it was her that pursued marriage. It was her that set a date, and then upped it, for no real reason except she was impatient. She knew this was her fault, that she was being selfish. She knew that she would break his heart into a million pieces if she went through with this.

That's the difference between him and her though, if he was the one leaving, she'd be fine with it. She would be willing to get other girls for him and set him up for dates. She was willing to help him find someone else who could love him the way he deserved. To be loved in a way that she never could. He had been a good man, and none of this was his fault. He would still blame himself if she left. She could see him now, falling apart, turning to the bottle for help. He was doing that anyway. He was subtly getting drunk, knowing that she wasn't happy with him. He should've known better too, after all she was a runner. She didn't sit still for very long, she thought it had been because she was scared, but in reality it was because she was bored. Not just of him or the simple life they had been living, but bored of this town, the people, and her life.

She sounds ungrateful. She sounds like she doesn't take into account other people's feelings. She seems like a selfish person who doesn't give a damn about anyone but herself. Maybe all that was true, actually, most of it probably was. However no matter how awful and egotistical she seemed, she couldn't help but think that life was too short to be unhappy. Whether that was for her or for him, because she knew she wasn't making him happy. The fact that she still didn't have sex with him after 3 months, is saying that she wasn't making him happy. She wasn't treating him like the man he was supposed to be. And he did nothing to deserve it, he never pressured her, he waited for her, did everything he was supposed to, but nothing worked. She was in a state of self-awareness and disappointment. She hated herself for not being the wife he needed, for wanting to run instead of realizing what she had in front of her, she couldn't look herself in the mirror without thinking of how much she was hurting him, and herself.

It's like she had this desire to be broken. It didn't matter that she was going to ruin this relationship, it didn't matter that he had done nothing to deserve this or that she had done nothing to deserve him. She changed her mind more times than she could count. This hadn't been something that just snapped and appeared in her mind's eye. They had dated off and on, deciding this was the last chance. Usually they only lasted months at a time, whereas this time they had lasted a year until they married. She likes to think that maybe if she had given it time, she would've seen that this wasn't the life for her and she wanted to change routes.

Hell, she didn't even know who she was as a person, she was freaking twenty. Everyone her age was getting married or having babies, she didn't realize the affect marriage was going to have on her. She didn't think about what would happen after she got married. Even thinking these thoughts, she could hear everyone saying to wait and not to rush into anything because marriage isn't easy. She thought she knew what she was getting into. The weight of this burden was getting heavier by the day. They-although she had no idea who they were- could sit and judge her all day, claiming this was no burden and she was just ungrateful and needed to suck it up. She made her bed and she could lay in it. She hadn't made a whole lot of dumb decisions in her life. She stayed away from drinking, drugs, stealing, pretty much anything that was illegal or bad for you. She even waited till marriage for sex, just in case she was fertile myrtle and they forgot protection. Although, if she was being honest with herself she never really showed interest in it.

She was terrified, and maybe that was her punishment for dragging her husband into all of this. A sweet, tender man who she cared deeply for and didn't mean to hurt. She tormented herself with every thought she had. Most days, she could get through it, she'd sing or write, or sometimes just go to sleep and stay there until she could face the world again. She was conflicted, every day. She didn't know what route she wanted to pursue and over analyzed every consequence, good or bad, from day to day. She didn't want to believe it, but she felt like she was taking this lightly, because once she made a decision, there was no going back. Every day she chose to stay where she was, to own up to the role she vowed to be. She wore her rings and lived like she meant it. Nothing had been made official yet. She was so torn in her heart and her mind that she didn't know what way to follow.

If she chose to stay, she'd keep everyone she loves. She wouldn't hurt anyone, and no one would be judging her or disowning her. She could force herself to have sex with her husband. She could stay. They could have a wonderful life together. They could make babies and live in a beautiful house and take on this life together, as they vowed to do. They could go back to college and start a new journey. They could become successful and work their way up in the world. Hell, they could travel the world. They could go on so many adventures together. She could go on living, making her family proud, not disappointing anyone, being the family "angel" and doing exactly what was expected of her. She could go back to school and get a "safe" degree, and go apply for a stereotypical job. She could be a big girl and live the life she practically wished for. She could suck up this pity party she was having, because in all reality, it was her fault anyway.

She had picked out the ring, practically pleaded for a proposal, got two engagement photo sessions, moved up the wedding, and now what, she wanted to leave it all. Everything they had built, worked on, made together. It was fucked up. She was a bitch, a cold hearted, selfish, and manipulating bitch. She knew it, it was never her intention. The saddest part of all this is, he would forgive her. She could be completely honest with him, in fact that's what he's begged for months, and he would give her whatever she needed being it time, space, or even freedom. He wasn't controlling, abusive; in fact, she couldn't even find a fault in him except loving her. He wasn't perfect, he didn't have the biggest drive to achieve, he could be lazy, and sometimes inconsiderate. Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black, what the hell could she say about consideration? Did she even know the definition?

She never thought she'd be this person. She always took herself for being clear minded and making smart choices. She calculated risks meticulously. She loved planning things out. She had a skill set of analyzing cause and effects and miraculously was right most of the time. She slightly laughed about her position now, not that it was funny at all, but the irony of it all. To make right choices all of her life, and when the time came to make a choice that would affect the rest of her life, she chose wrong. She didn't use her brain or thought anything of the risks. She figured the only problem they would face would be if one of them cheated, which neither of them were interested in it, if not fully incapable of doing so. Because that would hurt him, she scoffed, as if considering leaving him every day wouldn't.

She glared down at her pair of rings, one with a diamond and the other a band. They weren't just rings. They were both the realization of the many times she could've ran out before. They were a reminder of the life she had chosen, the life she now wanted to leave. Mostly, they were an agonizing symbol of a handcuff, the tiniest you can imagine, but real. She gladly beckoned them to appear, taking away her freedom. This wasn't something to make a mistake about, but she did just that.

On an episode of Gilmore Girls, Lorelai was engaged, about to be married, when all of a sudden, she freaked out and couldn't marry him. She drug Rory on a spontaneous road trip, almost to get away from it all. She blamed it on not wanting to try on her dress every night, and that led up to the resolution that she didn't love him, not the right way or enough anyway. She never thought she'd understand what went through Lorelai's mind during that episode. Always questioning how do you let yourself fall that deep into a situation and not know? How could she start to build a life with someone and then just decide it wasn't for her and she had to run? How could she just up and leave, without even telling the guy? And now, here she was. Facing the same problem, wanting to do anything but stay here, and she definitely didn't want to tell the guy.

If she were to leave, she'd gain her freedom. She could start over. She could go out there and sing karaoke at different places, travel the world, learn to play piano, dye her hair, get a tattoo, get anything and everything pierced. She could be on her own, make her own friends, live somewhere that no one had known her all her life and knew all the baby stories. She wouldn't be tied down. She could live in a life of never knowing. She could go to concerts and comic cons and all the nerd stuff she likes to do. She could write fanfiction all day long and dream about it one day getting published. She could play piano and sing and video it and share it with the world. She could learn how to draw/paint sure she would suck at it, but she could learn. She could learn another language, and maybe even start speaking in that tongue. She could reinvent herself and be her own hero. She wouldn't have to depend on a man. She could finally escape. She could enter a whole new world that she never knew existed. She could gain a new perspective and make friends in the process. She could live the life she felt she was truly meant to live.

She would also be leaving her friends, her family, and her life she had built here. She would be losing everyone. She would lose the respect and reputation she had gained for twenty years. She'd have to leave without saying goodbye to her mother or father. She'd have to leave behind her siblings and her nephews, who she loved like her own. She'd be parting with every good memory and a part of her character. She would no longer be known as the person she was, she would be known as a runner. She would be a leaver, a coward, a disgrace, and everyone who knew her, would turn on her. She wasn't being dramatic, that's how things worked in the bible belt of America. You could go your entire existence without making a major mistake, but once you did, your life was over. There was no redemption for her.

And what if things weren't greener on the other side? Like, let's be honest, they rarely are. What if she couldn't make it and hated her life more there than she did now. That didn't seem possible, but she also never considered herself to be the leaving type. She would've never guessed she would stray this far. Her husband wouldn't take her back, her family would be disappointed and most of them disown her. Plus there would be questions, never ending line of questions. Like what her husband did to deserve this, where did she go, was all this destruction really worth it?

As awful as all that sounded, as bad as that result seemed, she couldn't help herself but wonder, what if things worked out? What if she got her freedom, found who she really was meant to be, and just lived her life? She realized most of the things she wanted to do she could do with him. She could travel the world, she could see things and have adventures with him. Of course he would frown upon her dying her hair, getting piercing and tattoos, basically anything to her body, but was the freedom to do all that worth throwing away this life? At least here, she knew she had someone to love her. Even after the shittiest of days, he would still be there and support her. God, he was a good man and she didn't deserve him. He deserved someone who would never dream of doing this. No one in their right mind would leave him, the loving man he is.

Her parents loved him, claiming he was the son of their dreams. They took up for him often, and her whole family cared deeply for the man. It was a beautiful love story when she thought about it. They both had known each other since they were 7. They both grew up together watched each other go in and out of bad relationships, watched as they became the people they were today. All of her friends were his friends, so it's not like she had someone to open up to about all this. She wished she did. Her best friend Kathryn was starting to get closer to Robin than she ever was. Kat talked more to Robin than Regina, she had gotten protective of him as well, so at least he as someone to help pick up the pieces if she left. However, there was no one for her. There was no one in her life that would tell her to leave him and go find herself. They would all want to kick her ass for being so ungrateful. They would tell her how stupid she was being and if she were smarter, she would stay put and realize how good she has it.

The first year of marriage is supposed to be the hardest. She didn't buy into the lie that once they were married everything would be easy, but she never expected to have this inner conflict all the time. It would be different if he was just some awful human being. If he just did things or said things that could make her hate him. "Now look at me" she thought, "trying to make him to blame so I can play the victim." That seemed safer than making everyone hate her. She could live with herself if he was the problem. She could forgive herself if he did something terribly wrong and that's why she was having these thoughts and feelings. But in reality, she was just a fucked up person and she knew that. The fact of the matter is, she honestly didn't know what she wanted to do. She didn't know if she wanted these thoughts to disappear and she could learn to be happy with her husband, or if she wanted to leave and never come back. She was so torn. It was like her heart and brain were playing tug of war, both coming with their own strengths, but failing to beat the other because of their weaknesses.

The problem with leaving is that she could be tired of these thoughts in a year. She could go out and achieve everything she could ever dream up and still never be happy. She could fulfill everything on her bucket list and have more adventures in her lifetime that she thought was possible. She could do everything she planned, and still end up lonely. She could be wrong about all of this and only want to go back to the old life she once knew well. But she knew once she left, there would be no coming back. The problem with staying was, she'd never know.


	3. "Trust me"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, this is the darkest chapter so far, if you want, you can skip. You won't miss a whole lot, just this is the turning point for Regina.

**Chapter 3: "Trust Me"**

Regina hated him. She couldn't stand him. He would constantly be on a video game or watching them being played. Where were his ambitions? Did he not have dreams like she did? She hated how lazy he was and how he thought he could get away with anything. She started seeing how smug he was. She tried her hardest to sleep in opposite rooms. She complained that he woke her up when he got home late or he would twitch in his sleep and that's why she couldn't sleep with him. Both of those weren't lies, but they weren't the main reason. She couldn't stand the thought of him touching her. She hated the way he always wanted to touch her stomach, or kiss her, or hug her. All this time she just figured it was because she was not a touchy person, but she doesn't mind hugging other people. She loves hugs in fact, but this, this was different. He acted as though it was owed to him. That he should just be able to touch her and love on her, even if she didn't want it because he was her husband.

She would pray for the nights that he had to go to work. She basked in the peace of being at home alone. She could do whatever the hell she wanted to do. She could dream, she could write, she could sing, she could eat as many freaking cookies as she wanted, she could BREATHE. All of that would change when he came home of course, but she'd be asleep by then and she didn't care because she got to leave. She was torn on whether she liked her room. She didn't care the bed she had was less comfortable than his. She cared that it didn't have a lock on it and he came in whenever he pleased. She hate that she was the only one who could refill toilet paper. She despise that she was the only one that knew how to wash dishes and laundry. She hated that he could never put his clothes up that she had washed for him. Of course, all that was pretty normal for a married couple. No, what she really despised about him, happened later and she can never forget it.

It was months after their wedding that it happened. Robin was getting tired of being married and not acting like it. He wanted to touch her, to love her, to have sex with her. He was a man, he had needs, and he wanted to act upon them. Robin worked nights and slept during the day, although he usually had more off days than she had. She spent weeks at a time staying over at her parents, claiming her dad was taking her to work so Robin could get sleep. But the truth was, that was one of the reasons he had gotten 3rd shift so he could take her to work and she knew that. She didn't go over there for consideration of him, she hardly ever did anything with that intent, she most certainly didn't have his best interest at heart, if she had, she would have never married the poor man.

She stayed away so he wouldn't get any ideas of touching her. She wanted so badly to not be married. She wanted to be left alone and not worry about his needs. They had gone a year without sex, why was it such a big deal now? She was confused, she wasn't sure if she was asexual or nervous, or just for real didn't want to have sex with men. She wasn't sure about with women yet, she never was put in that position, but she knew at that moment, she would rather kiss a female stranger than to kiss her husband, or any man for that matter.

However she had to return somehow, she had to face the music and go back home, before anyone started asking questions. She was thankful her illness provided her with an excuse, but Robin suspected there was something going on anyway, he knew her, or thought he did. He was so excited when she would come back home, he would kiss her, or try to, passionately. She tried to avoid it, she tried to hide away, but it never worked. He was too strong; he overpowered her and laughed about it. He thought he was wearing her down and making her fall in love with him, that wasn't the case.

She felt guilty but couldn't bring herself to enjoy him. He would shove his tongue down her throat and she wanted to barf. She would beg for sleep, and to leave her alone. He wouldn't grant it, he claimed he knew she liked to fool around. He would put his hand up her shirt and under her bra, grabbing her breasts. She hated it, she just wanted to make him stop. He would push up her bra and take her nipple into his mouth and she wanted to fight him off, slap him and ask him what gave him the right to her body, then she remembered she signed a paper that basically gave him just that. He would do things like this often, grope her in the kitchen, and pinch her butt when she was least expecting it. She knew he was a man and he had desires, she honestly wished she could fulfill for him.

But one night, it was the last straw. She wanted to go to sleep. She had been babysitting and they both didn't get home until after one in the morning. She just wanted to pass out, but he wanted to play. He began kissing her, begging her to let him do more. She told him no, she tried to explain she was tired, but he ignored her, he kept kissing her. After playing with her breasts and doing what he always does, he put his hand on her center and tried to start massaging it. She was disgusted with herself when he whispered "trust me" and slid her pants and underwear down and slipped a finger in. He was unapologetic in his movements, pounding the finger into her as she flinched and held back her cries of pain. He thought she was loving it, he thought he was doing exactly what he should be doing, and giving her what he thought she wanted, but he was very very wrong. He kept trying, and she kept allowing it, knowing she would never, could never come for him. She tried to get off, she tried to force herself to climax, but she couldn't even fake it convincingly. Finally having enough of that, she moved, pulled her pants and underwear up and rolled over. He slept like a baby that night, while she felt like she couldn't live with herself. She felt violated, even though technically she guessed he was doing nothing wrong, and no one would see a anything wrong with it. They would probably just think she was a prude and needed to get over it and have sex with her husband, but she couldn't force herself to do that. She couldn't live with herself if she did that. So she knew this had to be the end of it. She had to step up and make a change. She couldn't keep going like this, he may be perfect in everyone's eyes, including her own, but she couldn't feel like a dirty whore all the time or guilty for not wanting to be that. Tomorrow, she decided, she would begin planning.


	4. Already Gone

**Chapter 4: Already Gone**

It took months of planning and research. She analyzed everything from taxes, political views, value per dollar, and rental prices. It was a long, exciting, terrifying process. She finally came up with a rounded number that she would need to save up in order to survive the first couple of months. In case she didn't get a job right away or needed more than expected. Through out this whole process, from when they got married to now, she had saved up just a little over $8000. That would have to be enough. She was ready, she was scared, and every other emotion you could think of.

She made her plans. She had checked out a few hotels, finally deciding on an extended stay hotel a little out ways from downtown Portland. She didn't care where she worked down there as long as she could make a living off of it. She planned to start looking for work the second week she had gotten there, leaving the 1st week for sight seeing and you guessed it, more planning. She had to make lists of everything she needed and also where to find the stores. She had to list out job opportunity and how the hell she was going to get one, she had no idea. That part scared her, really bad.

Before she could do any of that though, there were things here she had to take care of. She had to get the money from her bank, close that account. She had to get off of her phone contract, taking the phone with her, but switching the numbers when she arrived. Insurance, her meds, and her photo ID wasn't something she wanted to deal with, but she knew she'd have to eventually. Luckily, her husband didn't have control of any of these aspects. She gave notice to her neurologist, and wrote her extra prescriptions she she'd have enough medicine to last her until she found a new doctor. They had been married for 8 months now, and couldn't be more miserable if they tried. Bless his heart, he tried. She'd like to say she had to, but she couldn't bring herself to say that. She stopped trying the day they said I do.

She wept daily, not because she was apologetic, but because it was finally going to happen. She was finally going to break free and live the life she had dreamed. She didn't care that she was scared. She didn't care that she would be alone. And to be quite frank, at this point, she didn't really care that it was going to hurt him. She couldn't think about that now. She wasn't naïve of the consequences that would come from this, but she had to do it. She lost herself in sadness some days, thinking of all the people she was going to leave behind. She didn't have the greatest relationship with her parents, but she loved them and depended on them so much, she could just imagine how much this was going to hurt them. She thought about her sister and her nephews. She thought about her friends here, she couldn't stop thinking. But she knew within herself, that she couldn't stay. She couldn't keep forcing a smile on her face. She was losing the strength to pretend.

Everyone would be asking, "Why not just get a divorce?" and it's true, if she was so unhappy, why not just get an annulment and then move far away. But she couldn't handle that, she couldn't take being judged by everyone, especially those that knew her the most. She couldn't even fathom the idea that she would be letting everyone down. She knew that was going to take place anyway, but at least this way she could run away before any of that happened. It might be weak. She might be a selfish coward, but right now, that's the best she could do.

She couldn't imagine facing anyone right now and explaining what was going on in her mind. They would blame her for not trying, for not sucking it up and try to be a good wife. After all, she was throwing away quite a bit. Her relationships, the hope for a future with him, her reputation, she was willing to give all that up. Question is, why? Why would someone literally take their perfect life and throw it away to get a second chance at it? Did she think she was going to get this kind of luck next go around? Did she need to find someone who treated her like shit and have a really bad year away from everyone she cared about? Is that truly what she desired most?

No, it wasn't. She agreed to an extent. She wanted space. She didn't know if it would take a year or longer. To be honest, she couldn't answer the "why" yet. She knew she wasn't going to get as lucky as she did with him, however how lucky could it be if she didn't love him? For this next stage in her life, she wasn't looking for another soul mate, or sex partner. She was leaving for herself. She was leaving so she could go out there and live the life she had wanted to but was never brave enough to do it.

The wind was howling right outside their home, and she was getting flashbacks of Robin. He was begging her to talk. He asked if she was still happy being married to him, she could never give him a straight answer. She joked with him saying that was a Dr. Phil questions and she didn't need a shrink. She laughed him off and went on her way, silently sobbing in her room. Because she wasn't happy being married to him, she never had been. She hated herself for it too. She despised herself for letting it go this far and not putting an end to it.

She finished packing up what little of hers she was taking into a large suitcase. Sure, she'd probably have to pay extra for how much it weighed, but she didn't care. She had to pack quickly because she was leaving tonight. She couldn't be packing this entire time otherwise Robin would know what was up, maybe not exactly but he would get the idea. He worked tonight, probably wouldn't be home until after 6 a.m. in which Regina already planned on being in Portland, Maine by that point. In her suitcase she had enough outfits for two weeks, including underwear and bras. She also placed in their her laptop, two pairs of shoes, her make up, and anything meaningful she could think to take with her.

In her carry-on, she had her phone, kindle, chargers for both, wallet, keys, chap stick, and a good book. She had to leave most of her clothes, shoes, books, and everything else there. There was no room or time to put more in her bags. The taxi would be there soon. She took a last glance around the house, looking at the pictures, the decoration, absentmindedly flashing back to the first time they had started renting it. They were so excited; it was so new and so refreshing. They were proud of it, of course six months living there with her fiancé, she wanted to go back home. She liked having her independence, but she hated having to share it with him. Her mind flashed back to reality as she heard a honking outside, expecting it to be the taxi. She couldn't just leave without saying anything. So she grabbed a piece of paper, wrote down some lyrics from a Kelly Clarkson song that she couldn't get out of her mind ever since she started this ordeal. 8 months this song had been in her head.

_"I want you to know, it doesn't matter where we take this road, someone's got to go. And I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better, but I want you to move on, so I'm already gone."_

She took one last deep breath as she looked the apartment back over once more. She exhaled slowly as she closed her eyes, realizing this was really it. Her heart pounded fast, she felt like she couldn't breathe, her anxiety was rising when she heard the car honking again. This is it, she could wait inside for the taxi to leave, or she could grab her bags, go outside, and start heading toward her second chance. Without hesitating, she grabbed both bags, and exited the house.


End file.
